I like to do things on my own. I don't like to ask for help. At first I told myself that I didn’t think this way because I believed that it was a sign of weakness, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw that I did think it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. Not only that, but I have been known to be stubborn. What causes me to think and behave like this? Well, I think there are a few factors that come into play here. I was raised by people, one in particular, who expected me to do everything perfectly right, the first time. Mistakes were not allowed. He saw it as a sign of weakness when mistakes were made and to top it off. He told me “You can’t do anything right!” so many times that I believed it. I spent a great deal of time trying to prove him wrong, but since I saw myself in the same light he did, it was extremely difficult. Not only were mistakes not allowed, neither were crumbs. If one crumb was spotted an entire afternoon of sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming would follow. I was constantly paranoid that he was lurking somewhere waiting to yell about some discrete, minute, particle that was out of place. (Ok, this may be a slight exaggeration, but to me that's how it felt growing up. Then there was the incident of the hole punch in which I was punching holes in papers in a non designated area. He asked me what I was doing. I should have said I was making confetti, but I digress....) So, what's the point of my previous rambles? Well the point is this...
When other people or influences in our lives tell us that we have to be "perfect" and do all things "perfectly", it takes a toll on us. (We are not called to be perfect, it isn’t humanly possible) This is probably why I am a perfectionist. (I am also a procrastinator, but that’s another story) I try very hard to make sure every little detail is done to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me to accept failure, even though I know it is a part of life and, boy, have I ever failed in many things. I think we all have or will at some point in life. (I’ll get back to this point a bit later)
Then, of course there's the little thing I'm sure Satan whispers in our ear,
"Psssst....You shouldn't ask them for help.... You don't need their help.... You don't need anyone's help.... You can do it on your own.... You're better than them... You can do it better than them... They'll just mess it up and you'll have to fix it... Asking for help is a sign of weaknessssssssss" (I was going on the whole serpent thing...)
I know I've listened to Satan on that one before. So what is right?
To answer this, let’s get back to my earlier point on failure. When I lost my job back in December of 2007, I was devastated, and also partly to blame. I took this pretty hard, then when I was going to interview after interview, delivering resumes, and even looking into just getting a job – any job. The interviews were going well and I received phone calls from many of the places I delivered my resume to, but when it came down to it, even Wal-Mart declined hiring me. I felt as if God was slamming every door in my face; getting my hopes up then tearing them down. Now, God isn’t really like that, but it is how I felt. I was angry with God because He wasn’t giving me what I wanted. I felt like a failure in so many aspects in my life that I became withdrawn from those who loved me and all I wanted to do was sleep away the day. When I slept, I didn’t have to think about all the things that were going on or about how I felt like the biggest failure since, well, something that failed miserably. What I didn’t realize at the time was that God had a better plan than mine for me. I found myself reading the passage in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God, over and over, and over again. (I wrote a blog about it, which I will include later, in another entry) I learned that I wasn’t dependent of God, but on my job, and on other people and things, and well, anything but God. He wanted me to depend solely on Him and hold on to Him with everything I had, so He allowed for me to lose my job, so I could see what He was trying to tell me. It’s like he hit me with a two-by-four saying “Can’t you see that YOU NEED ME!”
So what does the Bible say about all of this?
Interestingly enough, I discovered these two passages:
Philippians 4:13 and John 15:1-8 (NLT)
Philippians 4:13 says:
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
The above verse is probably a familiar verse for most people, but what about this one......?
In John Chapter 15:1-8, Christ says this: "I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.
"Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.
For apart from me you can do nothing.
Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father."
Of course most of us remember the verse in Philippians that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", but did you catch what John 15:1-8 is saying? If you think about it, while Christ gives us the strength (if we ask for it) to do everything, without God, WE CAN DO NOTHING! Nada, zip, zilch, zero, etc…
What do we need to do? According to John 15:1-8, it says we need to remain in Him. What does it mean to “remain” in Him? What is that? It can be defined as keeping the commandments. Since we are no longer slaves to the law because of grace, we also don’t have to be slaves to sin because of Christ.
(God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 5:20-21) ( Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus. Romans 6:5-11
God desires a relationship with us, He calls us His children, and as His children, we should be dependent on Him and Him alone. After all, doesn’t he give us everything? Allowing God to take control of the life He has given to us is not easy, but it is worth it. While we may think that we don't need anyone's help and that we have control of our lives, the fact is we do need help! We need God to handle all the craziness that this world throws our way. We need to trust that God has our best interest at heart and that He has a plan for us, that His plans are much better than ours, even when we can’t see it, and even when we have no clue what He is doing. (Like someone said to me before, “having a clue is overrated”) If we recognize that God loves us more than we can ever imagine and we believe that this is true, then it becomes much easier to trust Him in all things. The bottom line is WE NEED GOD, without him, we can’t do anything and it is incredibly difficult to survive in this crazy world.
I will leave you with some things to ponder.
Do you think that you can handle everything yourself and that you don’t need anyone… including God?
Do you trust God in ALL things, or just the things you want to trust Him with?
Do you know and believe that God loves you and has your best interest at heart?
What would you do if the only thing you had left to cling to was God?
What is Lectio Divina?
4 years ago
2 comments:
This is a great post, Jess. There is so much here, but I'd like to focus on one part and ask your advice. You have really experienced a journey of healing and freedom from the perfectionism imposed upon you in your childhood and teen years. This led to you imposing perfectionism on yourself and others - something which I have only recently discovered about how I've treated others. It is truly freeing to stop placing such an impossible standard on yourself and others, because you can relax more and aren't disappointed nearly as often!
Right now, though, I feel like I'm stressing myself out to meet the expectations of someone else. Now, I wouldn't call them a perfectionist exactly, but I just feel like I can't do anything right for them. I *feel* like I'm bending over backward to be helpful and such, but they very rarely acknowledge it. What they say and do is, instead, usually "fixing" what I've done "wrong". I want to serve this person, as they are a fellow Christian, but where is the line between serving and pleasing? Is there a point where expectations become bondage, or are we to simply train ourselves to have a servant's heart no matter what?
As someone who has experienced this, what are your thoughts for my situation? Is there any example of how Jesus dealt with the expectations placed upon Him? How did He serve those who thought that He wasn't doing things their way?
That's a lot of questions. Take your time! :-)
You are right! It is freeing when we stop placing impossible standards and expectations on others and on ourselves! Do you know why? It is unrealistic to do so! Imposing perfectionism on others is something I am working on not doing myself. No one is perfect, and no one can be perfect or do all things perfectly. We all mess up and make mistakes on some level; it is part of our fallen human nature. I think that when we place high expectations on other people, or ourselves we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment and failure. The truth is everyone will disappoint us at some point in our lives, and often times more than once. Once I realized that this was true and that the only one I could truly depend on is God, I was able to sit back and relax a bit! I was able to take off the high expectations I had placed on my family and my friends, and slowly, even myself. In some ways, imposing perfectionism on other people is kind of like a God-Complex. What do I mean by this? Well in all fairness, is it really fair of me to expect other people to be perfect, if I am not perfect? Christ is the only person who has lived that will ever be perfect. What would happen if He imposed His perfectionism on us and demanded that we be perfect, even though he knew that it was not humanly possible? He is the only one who can rightfully do so. It is unrealistic to expect perfectionism from anyone, including ourselves. The wonderful news is that God is fully aware that we are nowhere near perfect; in fact, He has never asked us to be perfect, and because of our fallen state, He imparts His grace to us, freely and undeservedly.
When high expectations have been placed on us by another person, almost always, we feel like there is nothing we can do to make them happy and we may feel like everything we do isn’t good enough for them. It can be very frustrating! When we feel like someone is placing unrealistic expectations on us what can we do? First, I would recommend talking to them and finding out exactly what they are expecting from you. Then, it is important for you to communicate to them what is possible for you and what isn’t. Let them know you are feeling this way, they may be unaware that they are making you feel that way. There is no need to make yourself a nervous wreck over trying to do something that they aren’t expecting you to. What if the roles were reversed? How would you want the situation to be handled?
Christ always served humbly, and wholeheartedly, to everyone - regardless of what they expected of Him. Most of the time, like in the case of John13:4-14, where Jesus washes the disciple’s feet, it was never expected that Christ would do what he did. It is my opinion that there is really nothing we can do to train ourselves to have a servant’s heart. It is a gift from God. We can, however, follow the example of Christ and consistently place the needs of other people above our own. The line between serving and pleasing is a thin one and it is imperative to recognize who we are ultimately serving and why we are doing it in the first place.
Post a Comment