Wrestling with God

Vintage Post from December 21st, 2007

The past few months for me have been downright trying. I've actually gotten to the point where I've been like, "What more can happen to me?” I feel like I just can’t take anymore right now. I'm pretty sure the only thing left is death, but then again maybe that's what needs to happen.
Now, I'm not saying that someone needs to die, but what I am saying is this. I’m struggling with a myriad of things right now. I’ve lost a friend and my job. My mom is convinced that I am depressed and should seek medication. I know there is a reason that everything has happened to me like it has and I know God has a plan for it all. I feel like I should be more upset and more distraught over this mess of a life that I am wading in right now, but just like Joseph, I have this overwhelming feeling that all of this negative stuff that has been going on in my life will not be wasted and in the grand scheme of things, I know God will use it for His glory. I have peace about it all and I know I'll be fine.

This strikes me as odd, because the old me would be freaking out and probably crying hysterically and being all dramatic. This is not to say that I am filled with joy over my circumstances and I have cried – a lot, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I have been thinking about the story in the Bible, in Genesis 32:24-28, where Jacob wrestles with God.

"This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob's hip and wrenched it out of its socket. Then the man said, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!"
But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
"What is your name?" the man asked.
He replied, "Jacob."
"Your name will no longer be Jacob," the man told him. "From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and have won."

Jacob puts up a good fight and he thinks he's winning and then all of a sudden God causes him pain, by touching his hip. What Jacob does after this is interesting. Instead of continuing to fight or quitting and limping away, he clings to God. Jacob holds onto God to endure the pain that he has been dealt and he even says that he won't let go.

What I am reminded of is this. It is during the most difficult times in our lives that it is important to turn to God. He uses the times in our lives when we feel the most hopeless, the most alone, the most heartache to draw us closer to Him. In times like right now, God is drawing me closer to Him. What God wants us to do in times of struggle is not to keep struggling with Him, but to cling to Him and hold on with all we've got. I really don’t like the statement “Let Go, and Let God”. Yes, we should bring our burdens to the foot of the cross and turn them over to God, but we should hold on to God with every ounce of strength we have in us trusting that He has out best interest in mind. So in letting go of our problems, we should have two free arms to hold on to God with all our might. I am desperately trying to do so right now. The same is true during times when we are not struggling. We need to have total and complete dependence on God. This is what God was trying to teach Jacob. He was trying to show him that he needed to be totally dependent on Him. Maybe this is what He is trying to teach me.

Too many times I let my pride get in the way and I think that I can handle things on my own. Well, let me tell you this. I AM WRONG. First and foremost, I need to be totally dependent on God all the time. I need to rejoice in Him always. I need him close during the good times and I need to cling to him with every ounce of strength I have in me in bad times... In times like right now. So, in a sense, death does need to happen.

What do I mean by that? I need to die to myself and get rid of the pride and that part of me, which comes from Satan, that tells me that I don't need anyone, I can do this on my own and no one understands. All of these lies come from Satan and they are a tactic to make me think that I need to be isolated and take care of things myself, which is the exact opposite of what I do need. Like I said, I need to cling to God, but I also need to tell those who care about me, so they can help bear my burdens and I need to do the same for them. God calls us to bear each other’s burdens, so how can others in my life do what God has called them to do if I keep everything bottled inside? They say strength comes in numbers for a reason, don't they?

I can honestly say that I kept everything from even those who were the closest to me. The amount of shame, guilt, remorse and heartache, I have endured and tried to keep to myself was unbearable. I had this great sense of fear that if I told those who cared about me exactly what I was going through, that they would turn their backs on me and I would be left alone.
When God finally spoke to me and made me realize that not only did I need Him to get through this, but I also needed other people, I was at our Youth’s Fall Retreat, in the middle of nowhere in October. I was very grateful that my best friend Karen was with me that weekend. The weekend was all about God’s love and bearing each other’s burdens…. Can you see where I’m going with this? Anyways, Karen and I had the opportunity to go for a very long walk during one of the sessions. It was during this walk that I remembered two passages. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just, and He’ll forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” and James 5:16 “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results”. Little did I know how wonderful those results would be. I immediately started to cry and then, I just blurted out everything that had been going on. All my struggles, everything. And this was before I lost my job…

The reaction I got wasn’t seeing Karen walk away from me, but rather her tears that she shed for me and then the hug that showed me that she really did love me. It was difficult to let go of my pain, but God gave me the strength to do so. And that’s not all. The more people I talked to, the better I felt and the more love that poured out on to me and filled my heart. I honestly felt the love of God coming from them and for probably the first time in my life, I knew without a doubt that I was loved.

I know that I have a long journey ahead of me as I deal with the pain and look for a job, but I also know that I have people who care about me and will be with me every step of the way, and of course, so will God. He has a plan for all of this chaos, I guess I’ll have to cling to Him and find out what it is…Anyways, one final thought. God says that Jacob fought with Him and won. This strikes me as odd, because Jacobs' situation doesn't fit into the world's definition of winning. I mean Jacob gave in didn't he? He held onto God while pain was inflicted on him and he didn't let go. Maybe in the end he did win, because he did what he was supposed to - Cling to God.

I Don’t Need Your Help, But Wait, Do I Need HIS?

I like to do things on my own. I don't like to ask for help. At first I told myself that I didn’t think this way because I believed that it was a sign of weakness, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw that I did think it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. Not only that, but I have been known to be stubborn. What causes me to think and behave like this? Well, I think there are a few factors that come into play here. I was raised by people, one in particular, who expected me to do everything perfectly right, the first time. Mistakes were not allowed. He saw it as a sign of weakness when mistakes were made and to top it off. He told me “You can’t do anything right!” so many times that I believed it. I spent a great deal of time trying to prove him wrong, but since I saw myself in the same light he did, it was extremely difficult. Not only were mistakes not allowed, neither were crumbs. If one crumb was spotted an entire afternoon of sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming would follow. I was constantly paranoid that he was lurking somewhere waiting to yell about some discrete, minute, particle that was out of place. (Ok, this may be a slight exaggeration, but to me that's how it felt growing up. Then there was the incident of the hole punch in which I was punching holes in papers in a non designated area. He asked me what I was doing. I should have said I was making confetti, but I digress....) So, what's the point of my previous rambles? Well the point is this...

When other people or influences in our lives tell us that we have to be "perfect" and do all things "perfectly", it takes a toll on us. (We are not called to be perfect, it isn’t humanly possible) This is probably why I am a perfectionist. (I am also a procrastinator, but that’s another story) I try very hard to make sure every little detail is done to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me to accept failure, even though I know it is a part of life and, boy, have I ever failed in many things. I think we all have or will at some point in life. (I’ll get back to this point a bit later)

Then, of course there's the little thing I'm sure Satan whispers in our ear,
"Psssst....You shouldn't ask them for help.... You don't need their help.... You don't need anyone's help.... You can do it on your own.... You're better than them... You can do it better than them... They'll just mess it up and you'll have to fix it... Asking for help is a sign of weaknessssssssss" (I was going on the whole serpent thing...)

I know I've listened to Satan on that one before. So what is right?

To answer this, let’s get back to my earlier point on failure. When I lost my job back in December of 2007, I was devastated, and also partly to blame. I took this pretty hard, then when I was going to interview after interview, delivering resumes, and even looking into just getting a job – any job. The interviews were going well and I received phone calls from many of the places I delivered my resume to, but when it came down to it, even Wal-Mart declined hiring me. I felt as if God was slamming every door in my face; getting my hopes up then tearing them down. Now, God isn’t really like that, but it is how I felt. I was angry with God because He wasn’t giving me what I wanted. I felt like a failure in so many aspects in my life that I became withdrawn from those who loved me and all I wanted to do was sleep away the day. When I slept, I didn’t have to think about all the things that were going on or about how I felt like the biggest failure since, well, something that failed miserably. What I didn’t realize at the time was that God had a better plan than mine for me. I found myself reading the passage in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God, over and over, and over again. (I wrote a blog about it, which I will include later, in another entry) I learned that I wasn’t dependent of God, but on my job, and on other people and things, and well, anything but God. He wanted me to depend solely on Him and hold on to Him with everything I had, so He allowed for me to lose my job, so I could see what He was trying to tell me. It’s like he hit me with a two-by-four saying “Can’t you see that YOU NEED ME!”

So what does the Bible say about all of this?

Interestingly enough, I discovered these two passages:

Philippians 4:13 and John 15:1-8 (NLT)

Philippians 4:13 says:
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

The above verse is probably a familiar verse for most people, but what about this one......?

In John Chapter 15:1-8, Christ says this: "I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.
"Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.

For apart from me you can do nothing.

Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father."

Of course most of us remember the verse in Philippians that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", but did you catch what John 15:1-8 is saying? If you think about it, while Christ gives us the strength (if we ask for it) to do everything, without God, WE CAN DO NOTHING! Nada, zip, zilch, zero, etc…

What do we need to do? According to John 15:1-8, it says we need to remain in Him. What does it mean to “remain” in Him? What is that? It can be defined as keeping the commandments. Since we are no longer slaves to the law because of grace, we also don’t have to be slaves to sin because of Christ.

(God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 5:20-21) ( Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus. Romans 6:5-11

God desires a relationship with us, He calls us His children, and as His children, we should be dependent on Him and Him alone. After all, doesn’t he give us everything? Allowing God to take control of the life He has given to us is not easy, but it is worth it. While we may think that we don't need anyone's help and that we have control of our lives, the fact is we do need help! We need God to handle all the craziness that this world throws our way. We need to trust that God has our best interest at heart and that He has a plan for us, that His plans are much better than ours, even when we can’t see it, and even when we have no clue what He is doing. (Like someone said to me before, “having a clue is overrated”) If we recognize that God loves us more than we can ever imagine and we believe that this is true, then it becomes much easier to trust Him in all things. The bottom line is WE NEED GOD, without him, we can’t do anything and it is incredibly difficult to survive in this crazy world.

I will leave you with some things to ponder.

Do you think that you can handle everything yourself and that you don’t need anyone… including God?

Do you trust God in ALL things, or just the things you want to trust Him with?

Do you know and believe that God loves you and has your best interest at heart?

What would you do if the only thing you had left to cling to was God?